


When you do not fight, you lose

by nightcloak666



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Meeting Again, One-Shot, fifteen years later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-07
Updated: 2015-04-22
Packaged: 2018-03-21 18:02:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3701491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightcloak666/pseuds/nightcloak666
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fifteen years ago Rin decided to leave to Australia.<br/>Sousuke gave him a lift to the airport, kissed his cheek, and waved goodbye.<br/>And this was the last time he saw him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For those who love Sousuke's happiness

Sousuke sat on the side, near the judges. Today and tomorrow were days for swimming competitions and his company was sponsoring the event, so he decided to attend.

“I think everything is prepared.” A girl his age, long blonde hair sat by him, dressed in a smart costume. “You’re going to explain things to me, yes?”

He laughed. “Sure thing.”

“We’re not late.” Two guys showed up, also dressed in suits, and sat by them.

“Good, I’d need to fire you otherwise,” sighed Sousuke.

“And where would you find such amazing partners, huh?”

He shook his head, smile on his face.

“I’m hungry, can’t wait for the party after,” murmured Izzy.

“I just want to go home.” Sousuke looked at his watch, gold shining in the reflectors.

“Aww, you’re still upset about that? He wasn’t angry.”

“Because he is too good for this world.”

She stroked his cheek. “Tomorrow in the evening you will be on your way home.”

*

Rin took a deep breath in and slowly let it out.

Swimming itself wasn’t making him that nervous. Once he managed to get to Olympics and that terrified him, so theoretically this was nothing in comparison, but he was still taking it very seriously. They were making money for sick children after all. This was the point. It was a charity event. He had to swim well, even though his motivation for swimming disappeared awhile ago. If his swimming could bring something good, then he will swim.

What was really making his nervous was who was sponsoring it.

It was Sousuke.

He saw him, for the last time, fifteen years ago, and he was meant to see him today.

Perhaps only from far away. He still feared it.

*

Fifteen years ago Rin decided to leave to Australia. He was so happy he could pursue his career, he felt so fulfilled because he also made it ok with Sousuke. He told him he will wait for him, so once Sousuke could swim again, he would come back to him.

He thought maybe they would spend a year in separation. Sousuke was too good, too much of a hardworker to take more time. How long a shoulder could heal?

Rin was so enthusiastic, so optimistic.

Sousuke gave him a lift to the airport, kissed his cheek, and waved goodbye.

And this was the last time he saw him.

*

Rin had a crush on Sousuke since he could remember. When he was little, it was childish, finding Sousuke talented, pretty and clever, wanting to spend all the time with him, share their dream, kiss him, hug. Sousuke was always less emotional, but he never pushed him away. He always knew what Rin needed. Even if it was to stroke his hair so he could fall asleep.

When Sousuke reunited them, Rin never said anything about it, embarrassed, even pushing him a little away. But Sousuke did not seem to mind, he thought then. He did not show him that he would like more from their relationship, so Rin did not make a move. What happened during their childhood… Sousuke probably forgot. Or blamed it on overly emotional Rin and was nice enough to not mention it.

They spent months living and doing everything together at Samezuka. It were the best months in Rin’s life.

And then Sousuke disappeared from his life again.

Rin could not understand. He tried to call him once he landed in Australia. Sousuke did not pick up.

And that was it. Rin called, texted, emailed… nothing. He called Gou, terrified something happened to Sousuke.

She told him to let go.

When it was obviously not enough, and he shouted at her to explain what was going on, she finally did.

Sousuke was on his way to America soon after his flight took off. He started planning it when Rin told him he is leaving to Australia.

He told Gou, just in case Rin would get worried that something happened to him.

“in case”

He was angry Sousuke doubted that Rin would care.

Gou asked him if he was surprised.

Sousuke wanted him to leave him alone. That’s it. No further explanation.

Rin was furious. For days he was sending him questions “why”, and finally one big “fuck you” when he received no response.

He tried to forget about Sousuke. He was so angry, so hurt, so confused he just wanted to erase him from his mind.

But he could not.

The more he tried to forget, get himself busy, the more he was remembering.

Especially in dreams.

Sousuke’s swimming, Sousuke’s smiles, Sousuke’s touch. Everything.

He missed him so much.

But he could not understand what he did wrong. He had to do something wrong, right? Why would Sousuke cut ties otherwise? And that so harshly?

Even if he wanted to leave to another country, they could still keep in contact.

Rin left first and promised to keep in contact.

Unlike last time.

It made him wonder if this was how Sousuke felt when he stopped sending him letters all those years ago. Now he realised how much it had to hurt. And he felt bad for never apologising.

He finally called Gou again and begged her to tell him. She wanted him to find out himself. But when he pleaded enough, she finally told him.

Pushing Sousuke away after he reunited them. Being ungrateful. Taking him for granted. Idiotic priorities. Being a hypocrite. Shoving people he did not like in his face, people he left him to swim with. When Sousuke finally told him what was happening through all those years, Rin left once he was told to help the one who treated him like crap. 

Took on special holiday a brat who threw a fit, instead of a boy who broke himself for him and was dealing with depression. And then he left completely.

He did not see it this way for weeks. However, finally being told another point of view…

He felt sick. His first reaction was to fix it, to tell Sousuke he wasn’t cruel, he was simply stupid and did not see that he was treating him this badly.

Rin understood it. He spent so much of his time ensuring that Haru would pursue his career, took him to Australia, told him about his time there, let him meet his parents… Haru shrugged, decided to pursue his career, forgot about him, fucked up his career on the first opportunity, ensured to pull him down with him.

Meanwhile Sousuke who suffered once, twice… Rin left him, Rin used him to contact people Sousuke hated, then Sousuke broke himself, then broke himself completely for him again, told him how much he was struggling, how it hurt seeing him prioritising people who did not care for Rin, when he would do everything for him…

Rin left him with nothing after Sousuke did everything.

Just a promise he will keep in contact. Sousuke did not want to go through the same disappointment again, as simple as that. Why should have he trusted him? After Rin backstabbed him again?

And Rin never admitting he was unfair did not help.

Rin promised to keep in contact last time, too. And he cut it, then came back to Iwatobi and did not even contact Sousuke. Did not appreciate Sousuke forgiving him and reuniting them anyway. Sousuke always forgave and did everything, Rin just took and praised others.

It was sickening seeing it the way Sousuke was seeing it. The way people around them were seeing it. 

Sousuke asked about his time in Australia. He cared, Haru did not. But Haru got a special treatment from him, even though he proved to him how he did not care for him and his dream at all. He said he did not. He treated him and his dream like nothing, when Sousuke was ensuring he would reach the top. But Rin ignored it and gave a special treatment to Haru, not Sousuke.

Rin was always expected to stand on his head, everybody was expected to treat Haru like he was special, meanwhile Haru was treating them like shit. Whenever they tried to argue with Haru, he was acting like a victim and throwing fits.

Rin was obsessed with swimming, and prioritised it over people, but Haru was simply selfish and always cared about himself the most.

Rin wished he saw it then, instead of creating the image of Haru he wanted to believe in.

He’d be with Sousuke now and probably an Olympic winner.

Sousuke would appreciate a trip to Australia so much then. Sousuke would get so much from it. Sousuke needed to see how special he always was to Rin, how sorry Rin was for treating him unfairly and cold. Sousuke needed a break after everything. He was hurt, he was depressed. He deserved holiday. And taking Haru to Australia out of all the places after Sousuke finally opened to him… It was such a backstab. It made him cringe thinking about it now.

Rin always prioritised someone who disrespected him and his dream over the one who treated him special.

The only difference was that this time Sousuke said enough. And left.

And it was all Rin’s fault.

*

Over the years Rin only saw pictures on social media, those Gou liked so they showed up on his page, too. Sousuke did not make him his friend online, Rin did not bother to even send him an invitation.

He seemed good. Happy. Had new friends. Partied, went on holidays.

He studied PR and management and received the highest honours. And very quickly became a boss. That’s when Rin started hearing about him on TV. He always watched him, heart aching.

Sousuke never came back to swimming. But he seemed happy being a boss. He got thinner, his hair grew a little longer, softening his face. Still built well, but smaller. So handsome.

Rin learned a long time ago that swimming did not equal happiness. It wasn’t the most important thing in the world. Sousuke knew how to have friends and a career, Rin never knew how to separate one from another. And this was why he failed.

What was striking was how much Sousuke was smiling since he left him. He looked so peaceful. All the time, not specific forced smiles. Rin realised how much he was pretending while he was with him.

How unhappy Sousuke really was, and how blind was Rin.

He wondered how disgusted Sousuke would be if he knew that Rin ruined his career because of Haru. Of course Haru did not win with the pressure of professional swimming. Everybody knew he won’t, just not Rin. Haru never worked to be an athlete, he was against putting effort in anything. Rin laughed at his young self, wondering how stupid he was thinking Haru will be capable of suddenly being professional.

They got to Olympics. Haru gave up in the middle. Rin stupidly ran after him and disqualified himself.

Olympics were no joke. Somehow he got away with his disrespect for swimming world in the earlier days, in high school, betraying his team for rivals over and over again. Like an idiot he was.

No one would listen to his stupid childish explanations during Olympics. No one cared about who your friend was. At this point he was supposed to know how to distinguish between a job and friends.

He should have listened to Sousuke since the beginning.

He never attended Olympics again. And Haru shrugged and said he did not care.

They spoke then for the last time.

And Rin wanted to scream.

Even though he probably paid for his idiocy, he doubted Sousuke would care. It meant nothing to him. What Rin did to him was nothing he could change. The damage was done.

*

His heart was beating loudly when he came out with the team he was assigned to for this race. Even though he was too much of a coward to meet Sousuke, his eyes searched for him.

And there he was, by the judges’ table. With friends. Smiling. Joking.

Still so gorgeous.

It hit Rin that they did meet at the swimming pool once again, after all.

If someone would tell him then that in fifteen years they will meet again, but with Sousuke probably barely remembering him…

His heart ached.

*

“Rin!”

He looked up from his plate of food and saw Gou making her way towards him. He smiled and quickly walked up to her to catch her in a hug.

They were in the park, where the party was taking place. There were lots of games for kids, massive blow up castles where they could jump. And a few bbq and places where everybody could get ice creams.

It was nice, so many balloons and banners, and the weather was beautiful, sun shining cheering everybody up.

“I am so sorry I couldn’t be here for your race!” They sat on the grass. “If the plane wouldn’t be delayed…”

“Don’t worry about it, it’s not your fault. Besides, there are competitions tomorrow, too.” He patted her knee. “How are you?”

“Good.” She grinned. “I’ve got promoted at work so I will get more money now.”

“That’s fantastic, congratulations!”

Ah, everybody was moving on. His sister finished a university, was a psychologist and getting more and more recognised these days. Sousuke was one of the youngest bosses of major corporations.

And he was… swimming sometimes. Working in the local shop. He tried to get into coaching but since his failure was broadcasted worldwide, no one wanted to employ him.

His employers were a lovely older couple. The shop was a few steps away from his little flat.

It was nice working with them, helping them with their little business. They were paying enough for the quiet life he was living.

“Oh my, is this Sousuke?” He heard a whisper.

Rin lifted his head.

There he was. Sousuke with the people he saw him with at the swimming pool. They placed themselves not far away from them, sat on the grass with plastic plates full of food and bottles of beer in hands.

“I haven’t seen him in ages, I will say hello.”

“No, Gou…” But before he could finish, she quickly made his way towards them.

Rin wanted to disappear.

Sousuke did not seem too surprised seeing her, he stood up and embraced her, smile on his face.

They talked and for one quick moment his head moved to look at Rin. Their eyes locked, but Sousuke quickly turned away.

Rin looked down at his hands.

He could remember when Sousuke was looking at him like at someone special. Precious to him.

“Rin, come on!” Gou shouted and waved for him to walk over to them.

What?! He looked at her pleadingly but she urged him so he slowly went to them.

“That’s my brother, Rin!” Gou quickly introduced him. Rin could feel his cheeks burning, but the guys quickly introduced themselves, too, smiles on their faces. They obviously knew nothing. Sousuke was saved when his phone rang and he had to walk away. Rin was quietly thankful. He could not imagine what would happen. Would he pretend to see him for the first time?

“So you’re a swimmer right?” One of the guys asked, when they sat.

“Yeah. Not so much anymore but I wanted to swim today for the kids.”

“That’s sweet.” Izzy smiled. “It was fun to watch, I never sat in the audience for swimming. Luckily Sousuke could explain to us what was going on.”

“Yeah he was a swimmer once so he… wait you probably know, since you’re sister and brother.” Blonde man started explaining but quickly stopped himself.

Rin nodded. Sousuke told them absolutely nothing about him.

He wasn’t sure what’s worse, being completely erased from another’s mind, or remembered and spoken badly about.

He looked at Sousuke when he came back to them, eyebrows furrowed.

“What’s up, pretty boy?” asked Izzy.

“Eh, those idiots were supposed to keep an eye on the latest transaction and fucked everything up. I will have to fix it once I get back.” He seemed upset.

“You were supposed to take a break once we will finish here.”

“Break will have to wait.” He pouted. “My wife is going to kill me.”

Rin felt like someone splashed acid in his face.

A wife.

Sousuke was married.

“Sorry,” he said quickly and stood up. He had to go away. As far away as possible.

“Rin?”

*

He sat on the beach, white sand warm in touch.

He should have expected it, right? They were in their thirties. It was normal to have a family.

But it hurt. Maybe somewhere deep inside there was a little bit of hope that one day they will reunite and become one again.

Now it was over.

He couldn’t even hope anymore.

He dreamed. Of him and Sousuke together. Married. With children. Waking up to the smell of the coffee. Eating breakfast together.

Being happy. Travelling together. Swimming.

At least Sousuke was happy. He had a wife. He lived his dream, just not with Rin.

He wiped the tears away.

“Rin?”

He jumped hearing his voice and quickly turned around. “Sousuke?”

Sousuke sat by him, sleeves of his white shirt rolled up, baring his tanned skin.

“Hey, crybaby.”

Rin smiled, not seeing hate in his eyes. “Hey.”

“How is life going?”

“Not bad, yours?”

“Pretty ok, too.”

They looked at the sea, little smiles on their faces.

“Heh…” Rin broke the silence. “Who would have thought that after all we will actually meet in Australia, huh?”

Sousuke smiled a little. “Seems we were supposed to.”

“You’re not upset we’ve met again?” he asked unsurely.

“If I were so afraid of meeting you, I wouldn’t make a swimming event.”

“Not afraid, just not wanting to see me. You ensured to break all possible contact fifteen years ago.” He was aware of sounding bitter.

Sousuke looked at him, eyes a little colder. “Can you blame me?”

“No.” Rin tried to smile but failed. “I’m just saying I’ve missed you.”

Sousuke seemed surprised, and he slowly looked back at the ocean.

“I’m truly sorry, Sousuke. For everything,” he whispered.

He sighed. “Apology accepted.”

Rin swallowed hard. “You’ve got family?” he asked, wanting for the conversation to carry on. So far it wasn’t working well.

Sousuke smiled, as sincerely as he saw him so far. “Wife, a seven year old boy, and a one year old girl.”

Rin choked. “Oh, God, children, too?”

Sousuke took his phone out and showed him his lock screen.

His wife was really pretty, American lady, blonde long hair and blue eyes, she reminded Rin of catwalk models. The seven year old boy looked exactly like Sousuke when he was little. Black hair, ocean coloured eyes. It was like looking at their baby pictures. And the little girl had blue eyes, and very light hair. They were all smiling, the wife embraced the boy with one arm and held the baby on her hip.

They looked precious.

“They look lovely.” He really meant it. He was happy Sousuke was happy. Even if it stung he wasn’t on that picture instead.

It was too late. His dreams will have to stay being dreams.

He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, letting them be separated for fifteen years.

When you do not fight for something, you lose.

“She’s modelling.” Sousuke took the phone away from him. “And he is swimming.”

“Really?” Rin smiled.

“Butterfly. He is doing very well. Making me proud.” He looked a little nostalgic. “I just need to make sure he won’t make my mistakes… He is already too harsh on himself.”

“Did you ever consider coming back to swimming?” Rin asked quietly.

Sousuke shook his head. “I was too broken to dare to give it a go. If my shoulder would break again…” He stopped. “It was better to invest my time in another thing.”

Rin looked down.

Sousuke just needed support. As simple as that. And Rin hurt him and then left him alone. Again.

“Youngest boss of one of the biggest corporations, huh?” Rin poked his arm. “Congratulations. On beautiful family, too.”

“Thanks.” Sousuke chuckled. “I am sometimes wondering how did I accomplish that myself.”

“You always accomplished whatever you put your mind in.”

Sousuke looked at him thankfully.

“HEY, SOUSUKE!”

They both turned around quickly. Gou and Sousuke’s friends were standing far away, but they suddenly parted and showed who they were hiding behind them.

No one else but Sousuke’s wife and two children.

“What are you doing here?!” Sousuke stood up quickly, the surprise on his face turning into cheerful smile.

“Dad!” The seven year old that Rin just saw on the picture ran towards him, while his mom laughed, the one year old on her hip.

“Come here, you little brat!” Sousuke caught him in his arms and lifted to hug tightly.

Rin observed them with curiosity. The boy kissed Sousuke’s cheek after hugging him tightly and did not let him put him on the ground. He was happy and looked so much like Sousuke, it made Rin’s heart warm. He hoped this kid had better friends than his father as a child.

“Dad, I have a surprise for you.” He grinned, white little teeth on display. “Mom! Where is the bag?!” He turned in Sousuke’s arms.

“Wait a minute…” She sighed, clearly a little tired. Sousuke took the little girl in his other arm, kissed her cheek and the kid said something in her own language, giggling a little. Sousuke’s wife placed the palms of her hands on his cheeks, her arms finally free, and kissed him on the lips, receiving one loud ‘eww’ from her son.

Sousuke laughed, so happy.

“Surprise.” She smiled.

“Should have told me you’re coming over!” He sighed when she hugged him in the middle, putting his face in her hair. “I’ve missed you so much.”

Rin looked down. He wished he were hearing those words.

“Mom, the bag!”

She took it off her arm and handed to him. They all sat down on the sand, the boy on Sousuke’s lap as he started unpacking. He took out a gold trophy and showed it quickly to Sousuke.

“I won, dad! I WON!” He jumped in excitement.

“Congratulations!” Sousuke hugged him tightly. “I am so proud of you!”

Rin wasn’t sure who was beaming more, Sousuke or his child.

“Mom recorded my race so you can watch it today!” He added smiling.

“I will tonight.” He kissed the top of his head.

They spent the evening together, on the beach. Sousuke’s friends brought more food and drinks and they ate, chattering.

Rin couldn’t help but like Sousuke’s family, even if envy was burning his insides a little. The little girl was hilarious, constantly trying to get her older brother’s attention. Sousuke’s little copy, as Rin decided to call him, needed five minutes to announce he was going to swim, bored with their company.

Sousuke joined him and they were splashing water at each other laughing, other watching them.

Sousuke was so happy it was difficult to not smile. Their happiness was contagious.

*

That night Rin sat on his sofa in his small apartment and opened his laptop when Gou went to take a shower. He went on Sousuke’s social account and unsurely clicked “add friend”.

Rin wondered whether he was asking for more pain.

But he wanted to at least, one day, become Sousuke’s friend again. They were living too far apart for anything… too important, but maybe they could at least have a drink together when Sousuke would visit Australia sometimes.

Or at least send a stupid text to each other sometimes.

Just… anything.

He closed the laptop and put it away.

It was time to sleep.

*

He yawned when in the morning he was woken up by a notification on his phone.

“Sousuke Yamazaki and Rin Matsuoka became friends.”

Rin grinned.

And sat up quickly seeing a message from Sousuke.

[Meet me for a beer after competitions?]

Rin closed his eyes and took a deep breath in.

[I can’t wait!]

That morning he spent scrolling through pictures. There were so many, especially of Sousuke’s family. He met her two years before their son was born, when Sousuke was already a boss. There were pictures of them, then of Sousuke holding his son for the first time, so much love on his face. Family on holidays, business trips, awards, kid’s swimming competitions, birthdays, men only parties… Finally the little girl was born, more sweet pictures.

It was heartwarming seeing Sousuke so fulfilled after everything that happened. 

And they were rich. Obviously very rich.

Rin refreshed the site. Lizzy added pictures from yesterday of them all sitting on the beach.

He smiled seeing them together, cheerful. There were more group pictures, some of Sousuke swimming with his son, kissing his wife, Gou playing with the little girl, two guys making stupid faces to the camera…

And there was one of him and Sousuke talking. Smiling. Interested in each other.

Rin sighed but his heart was filling with hope already.

There was a chance for them to at least become friends again.

And he will work for it.

Hard.

It hurt beyond anything that they could never be more. But this was his punishment. He did not fight, he made the same mistakes over and over again, he lost. But maybe he could at least have a friend in Sousuke again.

For that he will fight.

It’s been years since he felt such determination and motivation to accomplish something.

He got out of the bed and shook Gou’s arm.

“Rise and shine, sister! A new day is here!”

And a new hope, he added quietly to himself.


	2. One year later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a year.  
> And a lot can happen within a year.

Rin sat in the airplane and closed his eyes.

Exactly a year ago he met Sousuke again, after fifteen years of not exchanging even a single text.

They went for a drink on the second day and spent hours talking. There was so much to catch up, they did not even notice when their voices became a little slurry and the day turned into a night.

It was supposed to be the last time they were seeing each other, with Sousuke leaving in the morning, but Rin decided to wave them goodbye at the airport.

The surprise on Sousuke’s face, that Rin really was there for him… It said everything.

There was a moment of doubt but Sousuke came over to him and kissed his cheek, this time surprising him. They said their goodbyes, and Sousuke left with his family.

There were no promises. No “see you soon”. And for awhile Rin thought he won’t ever see Sousuke again.

They were sometimes messaging each other, but not much else. Rin knew what was happening through social media and news. He told himself that Sousuke, first, did not have much time, and second, wanted to take everything very slowly. Besides, they were living so far apart…

Also, Sousuke’s wife was pregnant again. His friends were joking that he really had to be happy to see her in Australia, until Sousuke told them to shut it. She gave birth three months ago, and Rin couldn’t stop smiling when Sousuke proudly showed the little boy off.

A little over thirty years old, owner of one of the biggest companies in the world, married with three kids. Talk about success.

He was surprised when Sousuke called him an invited him over a year after they have met in Australia.

“Do you need a babysitter?”

“Yeah, Lily left me alone with kids. I need help!”

He laughed but agreed to come over. Lily had fashion shows and was travelling around the world, and Sousuke took a break from work to take care of the kids. It was summertime, so he was with them all the time.

Rin could imagine it wasn’t easy to take care of a two year old, eight year old, and a three months old baby.

He checked his phone when it beeped.

[Have a safe flight!]

Rin smiled.

*

Once he arrived he went straight to the man who had written his name on a piece of card. Sousuke said that there would be a driver waiting for him who would take him straight to his apartment.

His home was right in the middle of New York. There was security in the exceptionally tall, made of glass building. Rin watched everything with curiosity. He never had been in New York.

It was so loud, so many different people, everybody in a rush, lots of different restaurants and takeaways, shops, cars, bicycles… The city was so… alive.

Sousuke lived in a penthouse, right at the top of the building. The security let him in once checking his ID and he went to the lift. After inserting the special card Sousuke sent him that would let him get inside his apartment easily, the lift took him straight to him.

He took a deep breath in when the lift stopped and it showed he was at the very top. The door slid away and he took a few steps inside, hearing the quiet sound of the TV.

Rin smiled when Sousuke showed up, an apron around his waist, spatula in his hand.

“Morning. Breakfast?”

His heart beat stronger when Sousuke smiled at him charmingly.

“That’d be lovely.”

“Come in then, you’re lucky the brats are still asleep.”

The apartment was gorgeous and Rin quickly fallen in love with the view from the massive, tall windows taking the whole side. The kitchen on the right was separated from the living room only with a bar. Everything was so open. Glass, curly stairs on the side took upstairs to the bedrooms, doors visible as the floor was only on the side, secured with railing.

On the first look, white and black colours; glass, marble, shiny piano, leather sofas, and a beautiful kitchen. On the second look, family pictures, toys, a wall of trophies. Company, swimming, modelling awards.

Rin took one of the medals in his hand. First place in swimming competition. The kid was so good they were already talking about him on TV. Although, it probably was pushed a little because he was Sousuke’s and Lily’s child, so automatically famous.

He was glad there were such awards back in Sousuke’s house. Even if they were his son’s, not his.

“Sit down and start eating, you never know if you will have time to eat when the little monsters are awake.”

Rin laughed and sat by the large table made of grey stone. There was a bowl of scrambled eggs, and lots of different hams, cheeses, breads, anything Rin could ever ask for.

“I don’t add much to the eggs because they’re fussy, but feel free to add anything you want to yours. I will wake Nathan up, be right back.”

Rin watched him quickly going upstairs, unlocking the little barriers that kept kids safe from the stairs. Soon he was walking back with Nathan who was rubbing his eyes, black thick hair a mess on his head.

“Come on, boy, you don’t have much time.” Sousuke caught him under his arms and put on the chair.

Nathan watched rather unconsciously as Sousuke put eggs on his plate, spread butter on his toast, and even put his small fingers around the cup of tea.

Sousuke went upstairs again and Rin cocked his head a little to look at Nathan who finally blinked and started eating.

He came downstairs with a little boy in his arm, and the two year old girl walked herself, holding Sousuke’s hand tightly.

She seemed much more cheerful and waved to Rin when she saw him. Sousuke put the baby in a special baby basket and helped the girl sit on the chair. Once they all started eating, he sat by Rin with a sigh.

Rin could finally take a proper look at him. He wasn’t wrong, noticing earlier. Sousuke looked different. At the beginning he thought he simply looked tired, but now he realised he was thinner. Much thinner than a year ago.

“You’re not eating?” Rin pushed the bowl towards him.

“I’ve eaten earlier.” Before he could say anything else, his phone rang and he stood up to take the call away from them.

Rin sighed.

“Dad doesn’t eat much.” Nathan mumbled, mouth full of food.

“Doesn’t he?” From what he could remember Sousuke liked eating…

“He’s taking some pills that make him feel ill so he doesn’t like to.”

Rin looked at Sousuke who was standing in the living room. That would explain why he was so much thinner. But what was wrong with him? He couldn’t ask a child.

“Finished?” Sousuke walked up to them. “Nathan, off to the bathroom then.”

He jumped off the chair and went without a word. Sousuke seemed surprised.

“Rin, would you mind just taking care of Gabriel while I clean Sky?” He took the girl in his arms. “He’s definitely going to sleep, don’t worry. We will be back in a few minutes.”

“Sure.” Rin smiled. Goodness, such a rush. He wasn’t jealous.

When they disappeared from his view, Rin started cleaning up. He knew Sousuke was joking about inviting him to be a babysitter, but he wanted to help a little.

He wondered about what Nathan said.

It couldn’t be anything serious, because then Lily wouldn’t leave, right?

Of course not.

“What are you doing?” Sousuke looked at him shocked, seeing him washing the plates. Sky was held on his hip.

“Cleaning up?”

“Stop cleaning up, I invited you over for holiday!” Sousuke threw him a towel to dry his hands up.

“You said you needed a babysitter.” Rin grinned.

“I was joking!”

Nathan ran downstairs, bag on his shoulder.

“Did you take everything?”

“Yes!”

“Okay.” Sousuke looked around and put Sky down to put Gabriel in the pram. “So, everybody is ready, right?”

“Where are we going?” Rin asked.

Sousuke smiled apologetically. “To the swimming pool, sorry I did not even tell you.”

“I’ve got training today!” Nathan jumped a little in excitement.

*

Somehow they reached the hall, Rin in awe that Sousuke dealt with three kids everyday.

That anyone was capable of it, really.

They sat in the audience, Sky on Rin’s lap, Gabriel in his pushchair, Nathan already waving from the stage, goggles on.

Rin breathed in the chlorine. It’s been a year since he stepped inside a swimming pool hall.

“Remember when we were swimming together, at his age?” Rin’s heart ached a little. He wished he could let go of memories as easily as Sousuke. He wished he…

… just never fucking left.

Sousuke smiled, not saying anything. Rin wondered if maybe he did not let go after all and it still hurt, too.

Rin looked down as Sky grasped a few strands of his hair.

“Pretty!”

“Thank you, sweetie.”

“He’s too old for you, Sky.” Sousuke disapproved.

Rin laughed. “You’re going to be that slightly obsessively protective father, aren’t you?”

“Yep.”

Rin shook his head. They were quiet for awhile, laughed when Sky fallen asleep, holding his shirt tightly.

“Gosh, we’re boring.” Sousuke commented.

“Sousuke…” Rin started unsurely.

“Yes?”

“Are you okay?” he asked.

All those years ago he made a mistake of not asking when he saw there was something wrong and he was not planning to repeat his mistake.

“Yeah, why?” Sousuke seemed surprised with his question.

“Nathan said you’re not eating because you’re taking some pills… I’ve noticed you’re thinner.”

Sousuke sighed, looking back at the swimming pool. Rin tugged his sleeve.

“Please tell.”

“Are you sure you want to know.” Sousue laughed but it sounded sad.

“Yes.”

“Okay...” He scratched the back of his neck. “Well then, last year, when we’ve met in Australia, I was already feeling a bit off. I thought I’m only tired after working so much but I took a break and it only got worse. One day I could not get out of the freaking bed. It was like someone took my whole strength, I could not even see well. It was such a terrifying feeling, Rin…” He looked down, shaking his head a little. “Lily thought I’m joking, then she panicked and called the ambulance. They took me to the hospital, started testing me. I ended up having a MRI.”

“What was it?” Rin asked quietly. He felt like someone was flipping his world upside down.

“Brain tumour.”

Rin closed his eyes, feeling a little sick.

“The bad thing was that I let it grow for too long, blaming the pain and tiredness on overworking. Not the first time I did not know when to stop and made everything worse…” He smiled sadly to himself. “The good thing was that it was in a place where it was easy to remove. They wanted to give me a surgery from the get go, and then chemotherapy. That if I would survive.”

He continued. “Lily started crying then, and it turned out she was pregnant. She was supposed to tell me on our wedding anniversary, which was a week later. And instead she found out a week earlier that I might leave her pregnant, with two children and whole company on her head.”

Rin could not even imagine how they had to feel then. What do you do when you find out something so awful? How do you feel being told you can die, especially when you have family, when you own a massive company?

When you are young and deserve to live.

He could not imagine how terrified they had to be.

First his shoulder, then this…

And yet again he wasn’t there to help. But he had no idea. He could not notice anything not being there, and on social media no one said anything either. There were no hints.

Sousuke smiled, seemingly knowing what he was thinking. “We ensured no one would know apart from the closest people. I made my friends, those you’ve met in Australia, run the company. They promised to keep quiet. We’ve employed more security, and people who were supposed to make absolute sure that nothing will leak to the public. Lily was adding our old pictures once in awhile to make it seem like everything was fine. Obviously I stayed as far away from the camera as possible.”

He took a deep breath in and slowly let it out. “I had the surgery, luckily woke up after it. They managed to cut whole tumour out which was fantastic, obviously. Then the chemotherapy started and that kicked me off my feet. It was a few long weeks of torture for Lily and me. She was pregnant, felt ill herself, but she was trying to do everything for me. I became completely useless, it was a good day if I had strength to sit. Nathan was big enough to see what was going on, so we told him that I was ill, just did not tell him what it was. He was so lovely, trying to help Lily, me. He was such a sweet brother to Sky, taking care of her. Then finally the worst chemotherapy ended and they put me on pills instead which I stopped taking only a few days ago.”

“So you’re healthy now? Completely fine?” Rin whispered. He felt like someone took away his voice.

“Well… I have tests today at the hospital. I will find out tomorrow.”

“I will go with you!”

“Better stay with the kids. They will be asleep already anyway and I called a nanny just in case for a few hours.”

Rin shook his head. No. Not when he knows. He won’t leave him again.

“I will go with you,” he repeated.

“It’s going to be boring and take awhile and…”

“I am going with you.”

Sousuke opened his mouth to disagree again but suddenly Nathan threw himself in his arms.

“Hey, kiddo!” He laughed.

“Hi, dad!” He grinned, soaking Sousuke completely.

“You’ve finished already?” Sousuke tugged him on his lap.

“No. Just a break.”

“Have a drink.” Sousuke handed him a bottle of water. “Would you like to eat something?”

“Nah.”

“You should have a snack.”

“After.” He kissed his cheek loudly. “I’m going back.” And he jumped off Sousuke’s lap and ran to the coach.

“I’m so proud of him.” Sousuke said. “He will accomplish what I never could.”

“Sousuke, you’re a boss of…”

“I was supposed to be an Olympian. And I would be if not…”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“I’m pretty sure it was.” He laughed a little bitterly.

“If you only had support it would never happen. Or at least if later I wouldn’t leave…” Rin looked down. “I fucked up so badly, Sousuke…”

He shook his head. “Let it go, Rin. It wasn’t your fault. I don’t hold anything against you anymore, either.” He smiled. “I shouldn’t even start the bitter talk, I got over it years ago. Like you said I’ve accomplished even more. But, uh, apparently I turned into a whiny bitch since I got sick, sorry. But I have an excuse, it’s apparently a side-effect of it.”

“Don’t… Wait, who called you that?!”

“Izzy.” Sousuke grinned. “If you ever felt like you need to get over yourself, call her.”

“I’d probably completely break down if I’d find out I’m sick so much.”

“I did. Even though I had family and friends and work to fight for. I had bigger predisposition since I was depressed before, but that just completely fucked me over. I wanted to help Lily, I wanted to take Nathan to his trainings, I wanted to play with Sky. I wanted to talk with my family, and sometimes I couldn’t even do that. I saw how Nathan was looking at me, and it hurt. He knew I was dying. I did not fear death on its own, but I feared that the kids would be hurt, that they would have so much on their heads. But instead of fighting for them, I broke, which does not even make a logical sense. It’s worse when you have family, in a way. Then I could hide it easily because no one cared. Here everybody cared. I could not hide anything from Lily. She just knows whenever there is something wrong and takes action.”

“I cared,” whispered Rin. “In my own fucked up way.”

Sousuke smiled. There really wasn’t any hate on his face, any doubt. He really did not hate him anymore.

“You really love her, don’t you?”

“She’s perfect. I don’t know where I would be without her now. I mean… My friends were here first. And the professors. And the psychologists. They pulled me out of hell. But she… She held me here strongly without a doubt. She was always by my side. I’ve never been happier.”

Rin bumped his arm into his. “Sap.”

He laughed.

*

“Sleep well, kiddo.” Sousuke kissed Nathan’s forehead.

“Goodnight, daddy!”

Rin smiled at them, standing in the door. All three kids were bathed and put to sleep and Sousuke could finally go downstairs with him and sit.

“Here you go, this is how a day with three children looks like.”

After Nathan’s swimming session they spent a lovely day in the park, walking around. They showed Rin all the best places. They ate ice-creams, they had a dinner together. Trying to keep three kids happy wasn’t easy but Rin could feel falling in love with them all already.

He tried not to think about the day he would have to leave.

They heard knocking and the nanny walked in. Sousuke quickly described the situation to her and soon they were on their way out.

It was already dark, but the streets weren’t quiet, instead there seemed to be even more people on them, partying, the music loud.

“Do you like clubbing?” Rin asked, seeing Sousuke looking out of the window, the driver taking them to the hospital.

He did not respond, so he tugged his shirt a little.

“What?”

“I asked you if you like clubbing.”

“Oh. Yeah. Well we mainly went out during student days. Sometimes with friends. Since the kids we don’t go out so often, we don’t like leaving them with nannies, and neither me or Lily have parents, so…”

Now Rin noticed how nervous he became, bending his fingers.

“Hey…” Rin caught his hands in his and smiled. “Everything will be okay.”

Sousuke seemed a little surprised, looking down at their hands. Rin blushed.

“Sorry…” He tried to take them away but Sousuke tightened his grasp.

“It’s okay, sorry. I forgot you’re so touchy-feely.” Sousuke grinned at him. “You were always like that. I’m still learning.”

Rin’s heart beat a little faster. Did Sousuke still remember…?

“You’re great with kids.”

Sousuke smiled. “They’re so easy to love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for kudos and comments! xxx


	3. The secrets are out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke gets the results, Rin discovers he wrote a book, and falls in love even more.  
> Some secrets cannot be hidden forever.

“I will get you through MRI first, then take your blood.”

The doctor walked by them in the corridors of the hospital. It was late, so very quiet.

“Cool…” Sousuke tried to seem relaxed, but it was clear he wasn’t.

“Don’t worry. You’re feeling better, aren’t you?”

“Definitely.” Sousuke nodded but he did not meet his eye.

Rin felt unsure himself when he watched as Sousuke lay on the MRI machine, and was told not to move. The doctor let Rin be with him inside the room where all the computers were, responsible for showing the scan.

“Relax, Sousuke.” The doctor said in the small microphone.

Rin could see on the monitor how Sousuke took a deep breath in and then closed his eyes. He could feel his own hands shaking.

Soon enough the scan showed up on the monitors and the doctor looked at them closely.

“What is it?” Rin whispered quickly when certain places were highlighted.

“It highlights where the cancer was. Yellow colour is good.” He calmed him down. “Red isn’t good. And as you see… we have no red markings.” He smiled, and bent a little to the microphone, and held a button. “Sousuke, everything is fine.”

Seeing Sousuke’s face beaming was enough to make Rin’s heart beat faster.

*

“Sit comfortably and I will bring everything we need.”

Once he left, Sousuke half lay in the special sit at the doctor’s office. The happiness on his face was already gone, and he did not have much more colour than the white walls and furniture in the room.

“You don’t like needles?” Rin touched his hand unsurely, but Sousuke tightened his own on his, making him smile.

“I had enough...” he said quietly.

The doctor came back and told him to roll up his sleeve. Now Rin noticed how many little bruises Sousuke had on his arm, left after countless injections. The doctor spent awhile looking for a vein strong enough and finally started taking blood. Sousuke automatically went white in the face and pressed his free hand to his eyes.

“Just a few more seconds… Okay, all done. Keep your eyes closed, and don’t get up yet. I will be back in a second.” The doctor took the samples after having one last look if Sousuke doesn’t need help, and walked out.

“Are you okay?” Rin looked at Sousuke concerned.

He nodded, hand still pressed to his eyes.

“You shouldn’t feel so unwell after having your blood taken.”

Sousuke put his hand down and looked at him. He was still very pale.

“I’m weak as hell. It’s normal.”

“And you still manage to take care of three kids.” Rin forgot to stop himself and touched his cheek.

“They give me strength.” Sousuke winked.

The doctor walked in. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine.” Sousuke lifted himself up.

It was a second. They both noticed him turning grey, and they caught him before he would fell, and quickly lay him down.

“Sousuke?” The doctor slapped his cheek lightly. But he was unconscious; his eyes did not even flutter. He checked his pulse.

“What’s wrong?” Rin panicked.

“It happens when a person is this weakened, don’t worry.” He flashed light in Sousuke’s eyes, checking for reaction. “In the past few months he went through a brain surgery, aggressive chemotherapy, and later took care of three children and a company. Other people would be on holiday having a needed rest.” He patted fingers against his own chin. “I will wait with prescribing him anything before I will get the results tomorrow, though, better to know exactly what he needs. Obviously the vitamins I prescribed him a few weeks ago aren’t enough.”

Sousuke moved, his eyes opening slowly.

“Welcome back.”

“Not again…” he cringed.

“I hope you have a driver this time?”

“Yeah…”

“Okay. Now slowly sit up.” They helped him and held for a minute, waiting for the dizziness to go away. “Straight to the bed at home, okay? I understand being weaker but you should be getting better, not worse now.”

“Sure, boss.” Sousuke slowly got off the bed.

Rin quickly walked up to him and held him steady. “I will help.”

“I’m fine, don’t worry.” Sousuke smiled, but did not take his arm off Rin’s shoulders once Rin put it there. “I will wait for the call then. Thanks, doc.”

*

Sousuke sat on the sofa in the living room with a tired sigh. Rin quickly pushed him into a laying position, and smiled when Sousuke looked up surprised.

“You need to rest,” he explained quietly, not taking his hands off his shoulders.

“I have a nanny to pay for today.” He reached inside his pocket and took the wallet out. Rin made big eyes seeing him taking a large amount out.

“No wonder you don’t want her for more, Jesus…”

Sousuke laughed. “Only the best for the kids. Could you thank her for today and give her all of that then? If you don’t want me to get up.”

“Sure.” Rin took money and quickly went upstairs, where the nanny was walking out of the bedroom.

“Hello, I’m Rin. It’s from Mr Yamazaki.” He handed her money. “Thank you for today.”

“Not a problem.” She thanked and they went downstairs together, where Sousuke sat up to look like everything was okay.

“Thank you!”

She bowed a little and soon she was gone.

Sousuke slid down a little in the sit, closing his eyes.

“Do you need anything?” Rin sat by him and put his hand on his forehead. “You’re a little warm.”

“I’m just tired. Anyway…” He patted the leather and Rin sat by him. “Would you be okay to sleep here? This sofa turns into a bed, so you would have a big double bed for yourself, kitchen right by you, TV, and what’s most important there is a gate upstairs so those little brats won’t jump on you and you most likely won’t hear them either.”

“Sure, I don’t mind. But don’t you want some help with the kids over the night? You were supposed to rest.”

“Nathan and Sky sleep through the night. Gabriel only eats every few hours. They’re angels.” He slowly stood up.

“Where are you…”

Sousuke smiled at him and Rin blushed.

“I am feeling better now, don’t worry, Rin. Let’s open the bed and then get you duvets and all.”

*

“Look at you, my fourth baby.” Sousuke brought the blanket up to Rin’s chin.

“Gross.” Rin made a face at him.

Sousuke of course couldn’t get forced into a bed but somehow managed to get Rin into one and tuck him in.

“Do you want a story?”

“So gross.”

“Love you, too.” Sousuke put his hands on Rin’s cheeks and kissed his forehead.

Rin laughed but his cheeks burned.

“Ok, it’s Gabriel’s eating time. I will see you tomorrow, yes?”

“Goodnight.” Rin smiled.

“Goodnight, Rin.” Sousuke winked and made his way upstairs.

Once the door closed after him, Rin sat up. He was tired, but he knew he wouldn’t fall asleep quickly, even though Sousuke told him to, warning him that kids might wake him up in the morning.

So this past year Sousuke wasn’t necessarily keeping their contact to minimum because he did not trust him at all… He was going through right hell.

Rin could not even imagine finding out something so terrifying. Brain tumour could not only kill him, but after the surgery he could either stay in a coma, or wake up and not remember anything, or not be able to move…

He winced. They spent months praying he will survive, going through surgery then chemotherapy. Not only he had a massive company, but a family with two little kids and one on his way. Lily had to be so scared he might leave her. Sousuke had to suffer so much. So much pain, so much worry. Rin knew how independent Sousuke was, so suddenly needing to be so dependant on everybody, when you can’t even get out of the bed on your own…

Rin sniffed.

He heard little steps and looked up. Sky put her head between the railings securing the side floor.

“Hi.” She smiled.

“Shouldn’t you be asleep?” Rin raised his eyebrow, looking up at her.

She grinned.

“Go to sleep.” Rin tried not to laugh. He knew this mischievous look.

“Sky!” The door opened and Sousuke walked out, dressed in a pyjama, hair wet. She squeaked and ran to her bedroom, giggling along the way. “Sorry!” He shook his head. “I told you to get your sleep as quickly as possible.”

“I am slightly terrified someone will drop a water balloon on me or something.”

“Don’t give them ideas.” Sousuke made big eyes and then waved to him. “Goodnight, Rin.”

“Night!”

*

They sat together for breakfast, the day way more relaxed since they had more time. Nathan did not have a swimming lesson today, so they planned to go to the park. The weather was beautiful, sun shining strongly. It was a crime to stay inside.

Rin knew it was the doctor calling when Sousuke stood up and walked away from them. Nathan looked curiously after him, chewing on his sandwich. Sousuke was turned away from them so they stopped breathing for a second, nervous.

But when he put the phone down and turned with a massive smile on his face, eyes bright, Rin breathed out and lifted his hands in victory.

Thank God.

“What happened?” Nathan looked at them from his sit.

Sousuke walked up to him and brought his arms around him, embracing him in a tight hug from behind.

“Your dad just got his results back and he is completely healthy,” Sousuke whispered in his ear and kissed the side of his head.

“YAY!” Nathan quickly turned and jumped on his neck. Sousuke laughed and helped him climb up to hug him properly. “I will call mom!”

“Okay, you do it then.” Sousuke hugged him once again and let him go. The kid ran to the phone quickly, Sousuke watching him with a smile. He quickly moved to Sky and hugged and kissed her too, laughing seeing her a little confused. Rin watched him as he took Gabriel in his arms, whispering in his ear.

There was so much happiness, relief, and peace on his face while embracing his children. Rin wondered how terrified he had to be, thinking “what if” when he was still sick. Every father wants to see his children grow up. Wants to be part of their life. Wants to keep them safe and happy. Live with them, show them the world, teach them, tell them stories. He could see how much weight dropped off Sousuke’s shoulders, seeing him blinking back a few little tears that showed in his eyes.

Rin lost his dad when he was a little boy and it still hurt sometimes, and had an effect on certain parts of his life. Children did not deserve to lose their parents, and even if lost them when they were little, they still felt the emptiness years later. Parents did not deserve to lose a chance to see them grow up either.

He felt attached to this little family after being with them for a day, so he couldn’t even imagine the bond a father had with his children. But it warmed his heart just watching them.

“Dad, mom wants you!”

Sousuke took the phone from Nathan.

“Hey, there.”

He listened with a smile, quickly wiping his eyes with sleeves. When he looked at Rin and winked, Rin could feel as he was falling in love with the ocean coloured eyes all over again.

Fuck.

*

They’ve spent the day outside, playing with the kids in the park. When the water came in the play, they all ended up soaked from top to bottom. They acted like drunk, happy with the results, laughing at everything.

Rin ended up being tackled down by both Nathan and Sky, and Sousuke had to come to his rescue. His saviour ended up on the ground anyway and they both had buckets full of water splashed on them. Rin hid under Sousuke, making him snort, but it did not help much. Sousuke wasn’t wider in his shoulders than him anymore.

Rin wondered whether Sousuke was still a sport maniac, or he gave up on sport overall, and only hit the gym sometimes since he stopped swimming. He couldn’t tell since he was sick and unable to do anything in the past year, his body malnourished.

It was such a lovely day. Rin didn’t even know how lonely he was for the past years, but spending the days with three cute kids and Sousuke…

It somehow hurt as much as it made him happy.

Sousuke had a wife.

He had three children.

Rin could not do anything. He could not be selfish.

Sometimes they say that if you love someone, you have to let them go.

It definitely had another meaning in his case.

He loved him, but Sousuke had family. Sousuke gave him so many years to make a move, and he did not do anything. He could not ruin what Sousuke created over the years because he decided to grow up sixteen years too late. He had no right.

He would make Sousuke happy. He believed that. But to prove that, Sousuke would need to want him first. Sousuke obviously would never make the first move, having a wife and three children he was happy with.

Rin could make a move. And deal with ruining a family if it would turn out that Sousuke would surprisingly choose him. Hurting Sousuke, because he’d face consequences. Hurting Lily who loved her husband and held him together when he broke apart. Hurting three children, separating their parents.

He loved Sousuke. And this was why he couldn’t do it.

*

“I hope you’re not tired.” Rin looked up surprised from his bed where he was reading Sousuke’s book, when Sousuke showed up with champagne and two glasses. “Kids are asleep, so we can celebrate as adults. Put this boring crap away.”

“You wrote a book!” He noticed it on the bookshelf earlier and his jaw dropped seeing Sousuke’s pretty face on the cover. He threw it under his pillow and planned to read when they all would go to sleep, so he could own Sousuke in the morning by citing the book to him, most likely pretending he read it ages ago.

Well, his plan went to hell.

“It’s a business book, and I have alcohol!”

Rin laughed and Sousuke sat by him, putting legs under the blankets. He opened the champagne and poured it in the glasses.

“So, for reuniting, and for the good results.”

“And you publishing a book.”

“That was two years ago.”

Rin blushed. “I’m not exactly one to go to the bookshop often, so I did not know.”

“I doubt you will find it interesting anyway, so don’t worry about it.”

“I actually liked the first three chapters, thank you very much.”

“Did you, really?”

“Yeah, you made it understandable for someone who has no idea whatsoever.”

“Well, that was the point.”

Rin grinned and lifted his glass.

They cheered together and took a sip.

“Was it your idea to write one or they told you to?”

“I was told to. They knew it will sell since it was so loud about me then, with me buying new companies and all.”

“I am surprised they did not want an autobiography.”

“They did. I refused.”

Rin smiled. Of course.

“I am so happy, you have no idea.” Sousuke sunk more in the bed, closing his eyes.

“I think I can imagine.” Rin bumped in his shoulder a little.

Sousuke brought his arm around his shoulders.

“What about you? How is life going? Those past two days I only suffocated you with my problems.”

“You did not suffocate me with anything.” Rin shook his head. “I really…” He bit his lip. “Thank you for inviting me over. It’s been really lovely to live with you all.”

“You really are liking it, huh? Single friends I have said that it’s lovely, but never they would change their freedom for a life like this.”

“Freedom… You don’t look imprisoned to me.” Rin chuckled.

“No… I don’t think having a family ruins everything. If it does to people then they are doing it wrong. I always wanted to have a family, only having a father who did not give a damn for me, and was never there. It’s nice having people to care for, especially when they care for you as much.”

Rin nodded. He knew what Sousuke was hinting at.

“Yes, I can see it well.”

“I’m surprised you don’t have someone…” Sousuke looked at him suspiciously. “Unless you’re not public.”

“Why you’re surprised?”

“You’re one to have lots of friends, party, go out… Not sure if I imagine you with a family already, maybe later, but at least lots of different girlfriends or boyfriends, whatever your choice.” Sousuke shrugged. “You’re the last person to stay alone.”

“Look at that, you were antisocial, I was social, yet you have a lovely family, and I’m alone.”

Sousuke was clearly curious.

“I don’t think it’s surprising,” Rin continued. “How a person who goes without looking back even once can create anything stable. I never looked back. You always knew how to distinguish between work, friends, family… This is why you’re here and I’m… nowhere.”

“Did you ever have anyone and lost them, because you had trouble just stopping for a moment to think?”

Rin smiled, looking down. Yeah, you.

“Yes.”

“Maybe they’re still waiting?”

“They have a family with children now.”

Sousuke sighed.

“Are they happy?”

“Very.”

“That makes it problematic.”

“Yep.”

Silence.

“Would you dare to step in anyway?” Rin asked.

Sousuke pursed his lips. “No… If they were still single, maybe, but not when they have family.”

“Yeah…” Rin touched the edge of his glass.

“Are you really that in love with them?”

“I think so.”

“Goodness, now I’m curious. I can’t even imagine you stopping for someone.”

“Because I never stopped for you?”

Sousuke did not answer; smile quickly disappearing from his face. He looked down, clearly hurt.

“It’s you,” whispered Rin, seeing his reaction.

He looked back at him, shock on his face.

“I was talking about you.”

“Rin…”

Rin could not face him. “I’ve always loved you. And I always will. I just regret so much that I did not take a chance the first, the second time… But I am not so selfish anymore, and I won’t try anything, trust me, you don’t need to worry. I don’t have dirty intentions. I know you love your family. But I… I just wanted you to know. Because you think I never cared, when I always… Fuck. Do you remember when we were little? How we acted together?”

“I do.”

“It’s just, when we reunited, when you reunited us, I did not think you wanted anything more than friendship, so I did not try anything, and I was so careful that it all started to look like I was pushing you away. I was still slightly… You know, scared of coming out and all, too. We just reunited, I did not want to lose you.” He hid his face in his hands. “I’ve managed to lose you anyway. I know it’s my fault, I know I made the wrong choices and had the wrong priorities, and I know it’s too late, but please know I won’t do anything bad, don’t push me away.”

“Rin…” Sousuke grasped his shoulder. “Come here.” He cuddled him up, arms tight around him. “It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry.” Rin sniffed, face in the crook of his shoulder.

“It’s been sixteen years, I would be a fool to still hold it against you. We were only seventeen,” he sighed and brushed his hair back, still holding him. “You were always dear to me. You still are. When we’ve met after sixteen years in Australia, everything just clicked even though we were separated for so long. Just like it clicked after we separated for five years. I think no matter what, we were destined to end up together always. But maybe simply not as a couple…? Instead, what do they call it… We’re like soulmates, aren’t we?”

It was difficult needing to push someone away, someone who you cared for this much. He loved Rin, but he had a family who were his everything. Family with whom he went through so much.

He loved them. He loved Rin.

But in this life he wasn’t supposed to be with Rin. He tried once, he tried twice. He would not dare to try for the third time when he had his own family, which he loved beyond anything. If it did not work out twice, it could possibly not work out for the third. And he’d lose everything. He did not have much when he was seventeen, but he had everything now.

He shouldn’t even consider his options now.

He believed that maybe deep inside Rin always loved him. But he wasn’t there for him when he needed him the most. He betrayed him, he stuck a knife in his back all the time. Sousuke could not prioritise him over people who were there for him always, even when he did not say a word how much he needed them. He told Rin and he still continued on treating him badly.

He would be dead now if not his family and friends.

If he stayed with Rin all those years ago.

But there will always be something important between them and since Rin changed he had no heart to push him away, even if maybe he should, knowing he wants him.

“Soulmates is good.” Rin smiled when Sousuke brushed off the few tears that escaped his eyes with his finger, stroking his cheek. “Sorry.”

Sousuke only pushed him on the pillow and lay by him. “Come on, time for sleep.”

“You… You’re staying?” Rin looked at him shocked.

“For a bit. Gabriel will want food soon.” He put his arms behind his head.

“Your shoulder…” Rin suddenly asked. “It doesn’t hurt anymore, does it?”

Sousuke seemed a little surprised with the question, but smiled with understanding. “It did not hurt for years.”

Rin unsurely put his head on his chest and hugged him in the middle, breathing in the fresh smell of the shower gel Sousuke had to use. He relaxed when Sousuke stroked his hair.

“Good.”

 

To be continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for kudos and comments!


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